Lucid Waking

Archive for August 25th, 2009

Reach

        I needed to be alone. The day was warm and sunny, as was expected for an afternoon in late August. Needing my space, I found my feet leading me towards nearby gardens. I forced myself to slow down and take deep breaths and notice the dappled sunlight, the khaki green of the water in the reflection pond, and the bright orange fish under the surface. Mosquitoes flitted everywhere, but I ignored them and carried on, passing other insects that I thought might sting me, land on me, or otherwise make me uncomfortable. I made sure to note the damselflies and butterflies and flowers that were in bloom all the while pressing forward and away from all the chaos behind me and telling myself to just breathe.
        I needed to think and sit, so I found a bench in the shade farthest away from entrance to the gardens. I didn’t want to be found or bothered. I just wanted to breathe, maybe cry, and think. Just stop.
        I watched people go by and noted the various colors in the garden: shades of green, pink, orange, and blue. Everything was vibrant and warm and so calm. So very calm. I notice a woman pass me who seemed to be carrying something. From far away it looked like a baby but as she approached, I noticed it was just a lump of towels. She looked much older as she approached and I could see her braided hair was gray. She was long and thin, wearing bathing suit shorts and a bikini top.
        “Excuse me,” she said to me, “Can you help me? My bathing suit came untied and I have arthritis so I can’t tie it…”
        “Sure,” I said warmheartedly. Generally, I feel better after being nice to people and having felt pretty bad going into the garden, I thought a little kindness wouldn’t hurt.
        “Once upon a mattress,” she said noting my tee shirt. “Were you in it?”
        “No,” I answered as I tie a bow with the ribbons in back. “It’s my mom’s.”
        “Oh,” she said quietly before asking, “Are you a student at the University?”
        “Yes.”
        “Wonderful! It’s a very good institution. What’s your major?”
        “Music performance,” I answered, thinking that as long as I didn’t give her my name, a little information wouldn’t hurt.
        “So I might see you,” she said excitedly. “I go to every concert.”
        “Good,” I said smiling.
        “I love their symphony. Actually, there’s a lot of art around the city. The Fringe festival is this week—have you heard about it?”
        I shook my head.
        “All sorts of local artists come and perform. My favorite was this—well, this one performer started out on a farm milking cows and one day he told his dad he couldn’t do that the rest of his life and that he was going to be a clown. And he’s good at it. He has a routine…oh gosh I don’t remember what it’s called…well, anyway. It’s hilarious. And I saw this absolutely amazing singing group perform music written by a local composer. Oh, I’ve never heard anything so beautiful. And there was this mime—and I’ve seen Marcel Marceau when I lived in Austin. It was his last show, actually. But anyway, this mime was amazing. He mimed out the entire story of the Twelve Swans, which I don’t know very well, but you could follow along, anyway. You absolutely have to go.”
        “Sounds good,” I said.
        “But there’s also the art museum just down the street, which is great. I used to go there all the time with my daughter. She actually ended up going to Ball State, which was a huge challenge for her, but she loved it. She’s done with school now and engaged…I miss her so much. I call her up but…the last time we talked we ended up fighting. She went to get her hair done and I don’t know why she…I mean, it’s fine if that’s what she wants to do, but I don’t like being with all the chemicals and stuff. But I asked her why she was spending all the time getting her hair done when she could be doing tennis and…well, it was the wrong thing to say.
        “Excuse me,” she continued as she took off her sunglasses to rub her left eye. “I just had eye surgery this morning and my eye is really sore. I went swimming in the White River—do you know where that is?”
        I shook my head.
        “Its around that way. Oh, they had to remove twenty-five pieces of debris from my eye and…ugh…don’t go swimming in that river…I had five inches cut off from my hair because its so polluted, but anyway, my daughter was a very good tennis player. She played against the number one player in the state and won and her high school tennis team went from the number one spot when she was playing to number eleven once she left. I mean, she was really good…and I don’t know why she stopped. You know, I should call her up tonight and explain that I don’t mean to rule her life I just want her to do tennis because…”
        “She loves it.”
        “It gives her joy.”
        The woman paused while the sound of drums from the marching band at campus sounded through the fresh air.
        “I’ve been so lonely lately,” she continued, “that I considered renting my room out to University students who are really serious, you know? And can use a quiet place to study and work. I don’t know if you’d be interested—where would you look for that sort of thing?”
        “Well, there are bulletin boards around campus—”
        “That’s what I thought. I had a dance major come for an interview because she was interested, but she ended up living somewhere closer to campus.” She sighed. “Well, it was good talking to you; what’s your name?”
        I stood up and told her.
        “That’s a very pretty name. I’m Coleen and I hope to see you at the next concert.”
        “Ok, I hope to see you then,” I answered as she and I walked opposite ways.
        As I made my way back to campus, I watched the ground in front of me, thinking. I hadn’t gotten as much meditation as I wanted, but I felt less lost, scared and sad leaving the garden than I did going in. I realized that this woman just wanted to talk and wanted someone to listen because she had a lot of things to think about herself. While I was longing to go back home to my parents, she was longing for her daughter to come back home and live with her. I realized that this lost and lonely feeling I had was mutual. And through talking to me, she figured out how to make herself feel better and through listening, I felt better because I had a purpose; my day had purpose. I made someone feel better about herself and her life. I brought a little sunshine to her day which, proportionally, brought some into mine. I felt like I mattered and that my work would pay off because not everyone in the world is shallow and some just need a little love.
        Going back into the hectic, chaotic, and whirlwind campus for more orientation was draining and a little frustrating, but I felt like my day was worthwhile. Even though the weeks ahead will be busy and crazy and frustrating, I know I’ll make it through on my own, just like Colleen does every day of her life.

Author’s Note on post 335: This is based on something that happened to me today. I say based because, unfortunately, I don’t remember everything she said and I left some things that happened out of the story because they didn’t have relevance to the point I was making. I tried to make this a quick piece of prose with its merits and I think I succeeded.